as i stared blankly into space. i prayed a silent prayer. it was the third time i was praying. the third time within less than 12 hours. but i guess it was worth it. cos the most impt reason why i prayed that prayeer, it was answered. my friends claimed that while they all made so much noise about advancing and promoting and the grades, i was so calm. was i really? my hands shook as i hesitated to open that message. my worry was overwhelming.just that it was all in me. just that cos i haf no right to express any of it.i openned the message. relief overwhelmed me. more than seeing my chinese results. more than anything i ever felt. and for once. i smiled.really sincerely. i never thought i was this badly affected by all of this. but apparently i am. but atleast, the glimmer of hope for you to pass just got more obvious. it should be ok. thats all that counts. but im not taking chances. im praying for your happiness every night..til wednesday comes. and once again i really hope dear God up there would listen to me, and grant me this one wish..as always. it always came with such a sacrifice.
im honestly thoroughly disappointed withmyself. but i know ppl will curse and sewar at me,so i shant say it here.just know that i din get an A for physics, i knew this would've happened. keep my hopes so high and let it go on a free fall.
thats how things are rite now. and i just haf to accept it.
ppl who saw me after that paper, though im disappointed in myself. all i haf to say is that i wasNT openly showing depression over my marks. i was pretty much...dunno what to say about it la. HOWEVER that frustration and sadness you could see inmy me.was just smth i couldnt let go anymore. cos once more i live in another life of just..empty words.
once again.thats just how lifes been anw. and i just haf to accept it again.
i dunno i just realised that though i obtained the justification i was looking for, at the same time, i also found some cold hard truths forced right into myface. and i struggled to gather all my strength to face it. the fact remains simply. how insignificant and detrimental i actually am to your life. i tink im a jinx to you honestly.look at how many times things screwed up for you when im around. now im gone. thinks seem to look on the better side. im sure that you no longer need me to help you with your studyies much either, cos the less i help the better you do. the useless tuition teacher who only gave you a b for humanities.the fact remains there. its no point contradicting. i was tinking alot. and i realised that this was true.so in the end i guess God answered my greatest need. for you to be happy. im not being sacarstic. im not being anything. im stating a fact. im happy you're happy. smtimes of cos i hate to accept the truth that it happens without me. but.at least youre happy. and that the fact that all this while, im pretty sure that i was just all that was in your way.
thats just a fact in life. ill accept it eventually.
sigh.
and again it all rounds down to a pure simple fact.
useless.
sighs. cant even help myself..i guess i shouldnt go around helping others...
ANW on a brighter note.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIAYING!~(:
today went out with sarah and sheree after school, hahaha quite fun after the retard thing htat happened at acsi and stupid amos.-.- then eventually we headed off missing our stop and tinking that we were on the correct bus alr, thank you for 111. our saviour. and fine thank you sheree.haha. and then we went and dropped off at lido for toilet break.hahaha. and then slowly walked down passing through wisma and taka, walking and talking until we reached ps, and searched for sarah lees ball.DUN TINK SICK. and after searching and falling in love with some daiso stuff. we went along to times, and bounced to bimbo shops for uhhmm. haha. i tink im quite proud of how its turning out.:D
lala then we had kfc for dinner, talked alot. wah kinda oily. i ordered my usual, what i used to order last time.almostordertwo shrug habit, dun worry il overcome it.haha. then we walked around somemore looked around. looked at vcds and all that stuff. sheree and sarah wants to dress me up one day..er.ok.sounds a wee bit scary. but oh well,if it makes yo both happy, haha i tink ill find it hilarious myself.hahahahaha.:D me dressed up. lol wat happened at prom, disaster.:D hahaha, this time. cant imagineee:D hee. ok im on, sounds fun.
meanwhile i tink ill return to not trying anymroe, and back to jeans and big "guys shirts." or my tees. skirts, gna get dusty. i tink i need to seek comfort in my self delusion again.back to good ole, quiet me, with still absolutely no taste in fashion.:D
the goodole emilypooi(:
all that change, not gna get back to it..
THANKS SARAH AND SHEREE FOR TODAY(:
and from tusadays with morrie i learn hiding my emotions is not the key. i tink mitch albom books rock, highly recommended to ya'all.(: reading is my key to escape(:
TMR IS TIME TO GET DIRTY!:D (ACBAND GAMES LA. sickos!~)
TOODLES!~
one day ill find the one who will truly be there for me..FOR REAL.
and he'll accompany throughout all my darkest trials.
and he'll relaly be the one who'll never leave me alone.
and its just not now.
and its ok.
but for now i tink i should stick to mugging books, and not pusuring more than the already sweet cmopany of all my dearest friends.cos friends are the best(: and if anything, i dun mind living this life with just friends by my side(: cos they are the oens who relaly will never leave me.
thanks all(:
[em]ily_ 9:17 PM
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